Intimacy is often defined in terms of sexual intercourse. I’m going to suggest that there is a level of intimacy that is deeper than (that form of) sex itself. This intimacy is so deep that it creates its own class of interpersonal connection.
Before we can access it we have to confront it, recognize it and embrace it for what it is on all levels. Intimacy this deep doesn’t have its roots in goodness. Unfortunately, it turns out that fear and uncertainty play an important role in being able to appreciate the particular intimacy I am going to describe.
When we approach the subject of human sexuality between men and women there is both excitement and apprehension. Our development as sexual partners in western culture is quite poor. Ancient customs and beliefs inhibit the dissemination of healthy growth and understanding of practices and techniques that could greatly improve our love lives.
The consequences of ignorance are that people end up in sexual situations that are unfamiliar and often intimidating in many ways. This seems to be more true for women. We are so far behind developmentally that women often live in one of multiple levels of fear around the possibilities of sexual encounters, not only unwanted encounters, but even encounters they are contemplating on a consensual basis. This is unacceptable on so many levels but it is the truth in our culture.
Women, to a much greater extent than men, must expend their energy in the seemingly never ending question of trust. Am I safe? If I trust him will safety continue? In addition, there are fractional trust questions. I trust him for this, but ‘can I trust him in certain circumstances’ types of questions. This puts women in a state of constant guard. This impacts both genders, but this work will focus more on women.
Depression – Anxiety – Poor Health
There are side effects of living a life of both wanting to trust and be with men and being perpetually guarded. Women become expert in skills of suppression and repression. These forms of withdrawal do not reconcile with being able to live in the full joy of what our modern lives have to offer. This discrepancy is stressful. Women suffer greatly from stress related illness such as heart attack, depression and anxiety, just to name a few.
In spite of their fears, women forge ahead in relationships and sexual encounters but not without their guard being close at hand. Intimacy does not thrive in the shadow of the guard. It is unfortunate that the guard is always there, (albeit often subdued). You cannot hide the guard. Men see, or feel, or perceive it on some level. The results of his awareness are unpredictable for women, guard!
What is intimacy?
Many books have been published elaborating on the concept of intimacy. From communication to sex. In this article, we will only look at one physical instance of intimacy. For many women, this particular exercise is life altering. In western culture it seems to be quite taboo.
Female Genital Massage
There are several ways of referring to this act of intimacy that can so unite 2 people, Yoni Massage, OM (orgasmic meditation), Tantra, or female genital massage. Where we distinguish this from sex in general is in the attention to detail, and more importantly, the structure for trust.
What is a Container?
What if there were strict guidelines that people followed to engage in intimate massage that allowed women to radically suppress their guard? Something really exciting is going to happen. Something that women typically worry “could” escalate into an undesirable and unwanted sexual situation. But NOT This Time. This time is different. Why? Because there is a boundary agreement. A sexual contact boundary contract. “We are going to do this, and only this.” Such agreements are called containers.
Most containers are implied. The big container of marriage implies and often specifically contracts for fidelity. Deviating from the container violates the agreement and trust is compromised or lost. When a container is small enough that it can be concisely articulated in writing or a handshake agreement, the chances of maintaining integrity in the execution of the container are much higher.
The practice of OMing (Orgasmic Meditation) exemplifies the use of the container. In OMing a female (the strokee) is stroked in a very specific way, (by a stroker) for exactly 15 minutes, on a very specific area of her body, as articulated to in the OMing container agreement. The Stroker does not deviate in any way. This allows the strokee to free her mind of her worries and fears and become intently present in the orgasmic sensations in a meditative state. There is no goal except, two people being keenly tuned in for 15 minutes to connect through intense and intimate touch.
Of course, it is important to initially know or have reason to trust the stroker in the first place, but the point is, that high levels of trust in knowing with certainty that a sexually vulnerable encounter will proceed in a specifically prescribed way equates to exceptional pleasure for women.
It Gets Better.
As OMing is happening, the stroker (usually a man) taps into physiological responses from the spot he is stroking. The intimacy impacts for him are profound beyond explanation because every man experiences something different. He (or possibly she) is receiving a communication that is completely unspoken but completely understood on a primal level. A profound intimate experience is shared and a bond that is astonishing to our culture is formed. The strokee also experiences an array of emotional awakenings. She is inexplicably honored and respected so judiciously that she may take a sexual meditative trip deep into herself without her guard. This allows new levels of depth and richness with each encounter.
From empowerment to the discovery of orgasm itself, women’s sexuality thrives in the confines of the container. Trust it seems, is a powerful aphrodisiac, especially when paired up with a tool of certainty linked to sexual engagement.
OMing is only one of an infinite number of possible containers. Other simple containers might be a sensual massage, or a breast or yoni massage (all) with specific physical boundaries. In any encounter the basis remains the same, there are clear boundaries and behavioral expectations that cannot be violated. This allows women to transcend despondent sexuality patterns through control.
Sexual satisfaction is a rejuvenating experience. Unfortunately, women have been subjected to numerous assaults on their power to access the full spectrum of their hedonism. Containerized sexual experiences allow women to quickly escape sexual self-depredation. The result of this is an ever-increasing capacity for amplified sexual pleasure and confidence.
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